The Rise of AMEX

I, Cass, am predicting that the AMEX Marketing Department (or whichever ad agency they employ) has been working some serious OVERTIME. I feel like AMEX is following me.

Just the other day Ti appeared at Hobos Inc. with a chilling tale from the dog run at Central Park. It was an oppressively hot summer morn with no breeze, just dead air and two single professional women gabbing.
Woman 1: And if I really wanted to, I could go out with someone different every night, like if I really wanted to.
Woman 2: Oh I know, me too! [Aside to small purse-size dog sniffing a German Shepherd’s recently sliced balls] Oh Princey baby, no, no, Mommy says no. But my problem is, how am I supposed to go out with these guys? I mean I go to all the right places, I know what I’m capable of, you know. But how can I even entertain the thought of a man who doesn’t have the same level AMEX card as me? How?

How indeed, oh logical one? Well, despite the fact that I could keep an entire blog afloat on what’s ideologically and logically wrong with that statement, I won’t. And I am doomed to remember an episode of MTV’s The Newlyweds that centered around Jessica (when she still seemed stupidly sweet and kindof-of-the-moment and not a castoff train wreck) being so incredibly pumped that she qualified for the AMEX Black card, a level of credit and spendthriftdom only reserved for the very rich, powerful, and elite. Apparently, it is an invitation only card, and Jessica was convinced that she might be the very last celebrity EVER to receive one. Jessica also seemed happier in that episode than she did in any of the excerpts from her aired and re-aired and re-aired and re-re-aired wedding. I could likewise keep an entire blog afloat on what’s ideologically and logically wrong with that episode, show, individual/couple, and what’s absolutely humiliating and tragic about the fact that I remember that. However, I won’t.

And then Saturday night at a delightful underground tapas bar on 10th between 6th and 5th (much closer to 6th), there it was again. AMEX. After my friend pinpointed a nice white wine with the help of the bar staff and we ordered half of the menu, I happened to glance down at the very bottom of the menu where they list the chef’s name. And there it was: We ONLY accept the American Express card. Figuring that, as is typical with a disbelieved hobo-like prophetess, I had approximately $7.43 in my wallet, I immediately grew queasy. What about my Master Card I wondered? What about VISA? After all, “it is everywhere you want to be.” I flipped through the receipts that comprise 90% of the contents of my wallet to find that I actually had more foresight than I thought: $60. I asked my friend if she had seen the MC/Visa obituary at the bottom of the menu, and she had not. She shared my shock…why just AMEX? And she reminded me that we should be used to the fact that half the great little restaurants and bars in our neighborhood are cash only establishments. But then why the wild card: AMEX? After AMEX had been excluded for so many years by little logos affixed to the back of cash registers all over: VISA, MC, Diner’s Club (for God’s sake?!), why the sudden comeback? Why is AMEX everywhere?

My friends and I wondered about this and after a few more sips of wine, I, Cass, decided (as I am sometimes inclined to do on nights when I’m feeling particularly rowdy) to ask the young man behind the bar. He wished my friend had asked him and later, that I would shut up and die. But, he humored me all the same.
C: Excuse me. Do you really accept just American Express?
YM: Yes.
C: Why? Do you not like VISA?
YM: What?
C: Why don’t you like VISA? “It’s everywhere you want to be.”
YM: Um…………… we take American Express.
C: What about Master Card? What do you have against Master Card? You know, “for everything else there’s Master Card.”
YM: What are you talking about?
Friend: You know the commercial? You have to know the….
YM: What commercial?
C: Are you for real? It’s one of the most brilliant ad campaigns ever….you don’t know it? I mean seriously, the young father taking his son to a country ice rink on a blistery winter day one, seriously almost made me cry. You know, the one where it says, “hockey skates: $150, gloves: $35, watching your favorite place become his favorite place: priceless”?
YM: Um……………
C (for Ti, in absentia but via telepathy): Do you live in a toilet?
YM (no sounds just puzzled stares at this point):
C: Ok, ok, Master Card, it goes something like this. Chorizo wrapped shrimp, $8. [dramatic pause]
Friend: A glass of Riesling, $12. [dramatic pause]
C: Going to a great tapas bar with little if any cash to learn they only accept American Express and have never heard of Master Card, priceless. “There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s Master Card.”
YM: Oh.

So Ti and I have decided that AMEX is realizing some pretty incredible feats; not only have they transformed a young bartender into a medieval man, they thrilled Jessica Simpson, and they’ve turned some self-important, elitist, miniature dog toting women on the hunt into gold……oh wait. In the interim, we at Hobos Inc., are plotting the resurrection of the MC/Visa sticker, the official cards of Hobos Inc. and every day hobos all over.