Summer Uniform Etiquette
With summer comes great responsibility. Major fashion malfunctions a la tits flopping out of flimsy sundresses (watch out Pam) and bits of ass falling out of mal-positioned thongs and babydoll dresses have caused Tiresias to relapse into periods of intense darkness and Cass to have to lead him back to the light. These horrible sights cause great weeping and gnashing of teeth, biblical style. Here’s help for the unfortunates.
Never, fucking ever:
• Wear clear bra straps
• Go without a bra unless your tits swim in an A-cup or they’ve just recently been lifted, you plastic whore, and they would chafe in a bra and need to be aired and gently handled
• Substitute a bikini top for a bra
• Wear a flimsy cotton white bra with a white t-shirt if you want to keep your dignity
• Forget that it often rains at whim in this city and prepare yourself accordingly lest you look like you emerged from a Budweiser ad or a wet t-shirt contest, or both
• Let your thong straps hang out of your waistband (if you fear pantylines, it’s better to go commando if you have a little ass. However, if each of your ass cheeks occupies separate zip codes, don the grannies).
• Wear unlined pants if you have the potential for cottage cheese ass (if you don’t know what this is, just make sure you have lined pants or they’re a size that actually fits you and don’t look like you swiped them from your little size zero sister, you fat cellulite-laden fuck)
• Wear babydoll dresses that actually get caught on your ass. If you’ve got a shelf, forget it.
• Wear your graduation/confirmation dress and claim that you can “still fit in it.” Because you can’t.
• Wear a cashmere sweater in the summer unless you want it to smell like goat’s balls for the rest of its life.
• Admit you don’t wear deodorant. You will never be invited anywhere, ever, you stinky new age whorish ball of ass.
• Leave the house with yellowed/black/green/rotting toenails. Please cover them up. OPI nail polish. They sell them in Duane Reade now and are quite reasonably priced.
Never, fucking ever:
• Wear clear bra straps
• Go without a bra unless your tits swim in an A-cup or they’ve just recently been lifted, you plastic whore, and they would chafe in a bra and need to be aired and gently handled
• Substitute a bikini top for a bra
• Wear a flimsy cotton white bra with a white t-shirt if you want to keep your dignity
• Forget that it often rains at whim in this city and prepare yourself accordingly lest you look like you emerged from a Budweiser ad or a wet t-shirt contest, or both
• Let your thong straps hang out of your waistband (if you fear pantylines, it’s better to go commando if you have a little ass. However, if each of your ass cheeks occupies separate zip codes, don the grannies).
• Wear unlined pants if you have the potential for cottage cheese ass (if you don’t know what this is, just make sure you have lined pants or they’re a size that actually fits you and don’t look like you swiped them from your little size zero sister, you fat cellulite-laden fuck)
• Wear babydoll dresses that actually get caught on your ass. If you’ve got a shelf, forget it.
• Wear your graduation/confirmation dress and claim that you can “still fit in it.” Because you can’t.
• Wear a cashmere sweater in the summer unless you want it to smell like goat’s balls for the rest of its life.
• Admit you don’t wear deodorant. You will never be invited anywhere, ever, you stinky new age whorish ball of ass.
• Leave the house with yellowed/black/green/rotting toenails. Please cover them up. OPI nail polish. They sell them in Duane Reade now and are quite reasonably priced.
posted by hobos in space @ 2:29 PM
1 Comments:
At 7:57 PM,
HighPlainsGrifter said…
oh, ladies. where to begin? like a fine tennessee bourbon trickled down through foot upon foot of charcoal to bring out that smooth, sippin' flavor, this post should be squeezed through a male editor. in short:
*word on the clear straps. only if your house has wheels are you allowed this one.
*no bra? no problem, depending upon the situation. there is nothing lovelier than a sun dress clinging to whatever there is for it to cling to. i lingered an extra five minutes in the toothpaste aisle at eckerds just yesterday to witness such a wonder. it is natural, refreshing and even classy if the dress properly holds that precious cargo in place.
*there should certainly be more women with wet t-shirts in this city. every bollywood film gives us a wet sari scene; why must the western male be so deprived of this natural event? it is rain, after all, straight from jesus.
*it is ok for thongs to be visible, but try to make sure they are so only after dark. unless you are working hunt's point.
*shelfs? commando "if you have a little ass"? why all this americana-centric fear of the booty? many men embrace "the shelf"! which, incidentally, should never, ever be covered with the grannies. have another helping of beans and rice, please!
as for the rest, ditto and ditto. nice post ...
Post a Comment
<< Home