Waldfest Attendees Shatter the Silence of Suburban Troy

July 16, 2006

SUBURBAN TROY, New York -- At approximately 6pm, a yellow school bus arrived in a parking lot bordering the NYS interchange. The driver was visibly annoyed and shaken.

Vincent Williams, a resident of the area and owner of Molly, a Sheltie, walks the neighborhood three times a day at equally timed intervals. He recalls the bus screeching into the parking lot and the doors flying open. He noticed that a handful of young men exited the vehicle immediately, while the rest needed “considerable assistance”. One man in a red baseball cap was reported crawling down the three steps backwards.

According to Williams, “One man, noticeably older than the rest of the group, dropped his trousers and yelled some obscenity that I would rather not repeat in the presence of a lady. Another young man whose knuckles were bleeding profusely urinated all over the windows of that bank. And the man in the red baseball hat, he climbed into the passenger seat of a car, only to be rerouted to another car by a blonde woman. He looked to be covered in vomit. And the woman, who I assume was his wife, did not seem pleased. I believe she might have called him an immature f-word, but I couldn’t be sure because she rolled up the vehicle windows.”

Williams describes their departure from the parking lot as quick: “The rest piled into various cars and left the area. One man lingered a bit and then appeared to stagger down the middle of a side street. When I returned home, I informed my wife that tonight would be a good night to keep Molly indoors.”

Sources confirm that the group was returning from the annual Waldfest, a German “Festival in the Woods;” held annually on a private lot bordered by various deciduous forests in Southwestern New York, Waldfest is a family event celebrating German heritage with ethnic food, song, and dance.

A source close to the group at Waldfest states that the twenty or so men are in their twenties and thirties, are gainfully employed, and wore t-shirts with an unidentifiable logo and the wording: “Waldfest: Who Knew?” This source maintains that the men pushed their picnic tables together and sat on them while chanting and lifting alternating members of the group upside down to drink from hoses attached to two kegs of an alcoholic substance that was presumably a wheat beer.

The men were later seen singing loudly, vomiting, and squirting each other with ketchup and mustard.

Helga Klingenschmitt noticed “the men were very excited to sing ‘Prosit,’ all except the one man who spoke very good German to me earlier in the day. He was asleep with the hose in his mouth. Maybe, the sun made him tired.”