You Know What Sucks?
You know what sucks…what really sucks? When you come back from an amazing weekend getaway on the ocean with great people, and it’s 102 in Manhattan (which by the way, means it’s actually 107 and easily 110 on the subway platform)? And all you can think about is riding ocean waves or lounging in your beach chair. Instead, you’re sweating your ass off at every turn, you’re showering like 3 times a day, and everything around you feels like a deep fryer. And you can’t even call anyone to bitch about how hot it is, because you’re currently a Stone Age disbelieved prophetess. Stone Age?
Yes, that happens when you mosey into a bar restroom and set your purse on the back of a toilet (because there’s no hook on the stall door). And your purse just happens to be unzipped, and like your hair is finding the air especially humid and so decides that the toilet looks like a cool spot to take a dip. Swan dive head first. And you haven’t even unzipped your knickers and the next thing you know your hand is in a public toilet reaching down into that hole where everything sick gets sucked away, feeling for a cell phone the size of your palm. And while your face is dangerously close to the seat, you happen to notice that the majority of your makeup is floating happily in the toilet bowl. So you emerge from the stall, still having to pee, clutching a dead cell phone, a bacteria laden compact, and lip gloss with toilet water dripping down your hand. Luckily, everyone around you is way too drunk to notice or care that you’ve been swimming in a bar toilet, and your friend who isn’t really, really drunk, feels really bad for you. But that’s not the bad part, because you’re still in a reality-freezing, tall grass swaying, waves crashing on perfectly chiseled rocks, salt water romping dream-like ocean town.
The bad part is coming back to 107 Manhattan and elbowing your way through Penn Station to learn that as a “current customer” of a cell carrier you’re entitled to absolutely NOTHING when it comes to replacing a drowned/lost/stolen phone. If you’re a “new customer” who’s been slutting her way from carrier to carrier then you can get a RAZR phone for like four cents and oh, if you buy one, you get one free. “That’s why I tell people to get insurance,” says the ever-helpful sales clerk who then runs away to help a “newbie.” And while coming to terms with the fact that your loyalty as a current subscriber has earned you no rebates and the full retail price of $259, you overhear a fellow customer tell the same sales clerk that she lost her phone. She has insurance…smarty. “So you’ll have to go file a police report, pay $50, and then call the insurance company and talk to them.” Ooooo, maybe not. “A police report?” I bet the police really enthusiastically take reports for misplaced cell phones. It’s enough to make you want to run around the store, yanking store models out of the wall, and calling every international number you can think of. In the interim, you’re getting messages from callers who think you suck at returning calls; but you could only send them a smoke signal to tell them you’ll be back in touch soon. Or if you’re Tiresias, and you’re taking a turn at about 90 mph and your newly-bought eggs collide with your phone and short it out, you’re left trying to hop on Apple Netword EC021 and most times unsuccessfully because you think they're on to you and blocking you every step of the way; and all you really want to do is tell the pertinents you’ll return to civilization soon.
Then you get back on the subway platform and hope for a train, any train, to come whizzing by so at least you can feel a 90 degree breeze (kind of resembles a hair dryer on High) and some track dirt on your face. And you get back to your place, sweaty, grimy, and tired, sans cell phone, because you think that holding out for one more day will really SHOW Verizon you’re pissed; when in reality, they’re laughing because you’re still paying for service you’re not using and you’ll elbow your way back through the tunnels that smell like a urinal during the summer, and buy the damn phone anyway.
Yeah….that sucks.
Yes, that happens when you mosey into a bar restroom and set your purse on the back of a toilet (because there’s no hook on the stall door). And your purse just happens to be unzipped, and like your hair is finding the air especially humid and so decides that the toilet looks like a cool spot to take a dip. Swan dive head first. And you haven’t even unzipped your knickers and the next thing you know your hand is in a public toilet reaching down into that hole where everything sick gets sucked away, feeling for a cell phone the size of your palm. And while your face is dangerously close to the seat, you happen to notice that the majority of your makeup is floating happily in the toilet bowl. So you emerge from the stall, still having to pee, clutching a dead cell phone, a bacteria laden compact, and lip gloss with toilet water dripping down your hand. Luckily, everyone around you is way too drunk to notice or care that you’ve been swimming in a bar toilet, and your friend who isn’t really, really drunk, feels really bad for you. But that’s not the bad part, because you’re still in a reality-freezing, tall grass swaying, waves crashing on perfectly chiseled rocks, salt water romping dream-like ocean town.
The bad part is coming back to 107 Manhattan and elbowing your way through Penn Station to learn that as a “current customer” of a cell carrier you’re entitled to absolutely NOTHING when it comes to replacing a drowned/lost/stolen phone. If you’re a “new customer” who’s been slutting her way from carrier to carrier then you can get a RAZR phone for like four cents and oh, if you buy one, you get one free. “That’s why I tell people to get insurance,” says the ever-helpful sales clerk who then runs away to help a “newbie.” And while coming to terms with the fact that your loyalty as a current subscriber has earned you no rebates and the full retail price of $259, you overhear a fellow customer tell the same sales clerk that she lost her phone. She has insurance…smarty. “So you’ll have to go file a police report, pay $50, and then call the insurance company and talk to them.” Ooooo, maybe not. “A police report?” I bet the police really enthusiastically take reports for misplaced cell phones. It’s enough to make you want to run around the store, yanking store models out of the wall, and calling every international number you can think of. In the interim, you’re getting messages from callers who think you suck at returning calls; but you could only send them a smoke signal to tell them you’ll be back in touch soon. Or if you’re Tiresias, and you’re taking a turn at about 90 mph and your newly-bought eggs collide with your phone and short it out, you’re left trying to hop on Apple Netword EC021 and most times unsuccessfully because you think they're on to you and blocking you every step of the way; and all you really want to do is tell the pertinents you’ll return to civilization soon.
Then you get back on the subway platform and hope for a train, any train, to come whizzing by so at least you can feel a 90 degree breeze (kind of resembles a hair dryer on High) and some track dirt on your face. And you get back to your place, sweaty, grimy, and tired, sans cell phone, because you think that holding out for one more day will really SHOW Verizon you’re pissed; when in reality, they’re laughing because you’re still paying for service you’re not using and you’ll elbow your way back through the tunnels that smell like a urinal during the summer, and buy the damn phone anyway.
Yeah….that sucks.
posted by hobos in space @ 9:40 AM
2 Comments:
At 9:08 PM,
The Punster said…
That sucks major. This is why I only get the cheapass free phones. I've got a phone that's 7 years old. Of course if I lost it or dropped it in the loo to get another free phone I'd have to "upgrade" my service from my old contract which rocks compared to the crap they offer today.
No, I'm holding out with my old technology and my 3000 any time minutes just to stick it to the man!
At 11:54 AM,
hobos in space said…
Punster! You are RIGHT...just got my bill and noticed how my new phone "conveniently" requires a contract upgrade...tack on another $10 to my monthly. Glad to see you're sticking it to the man; kick him below the belt for me too, will you? Because he's making it impossible for me to do it myself!
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