Policy Changes Effective Immediately – Human Resources, Hobos Inc.
1. When a fellow employee passes you in the hall and s/he gives you the standard greeting (looks at you, maybe, and then immediately looks down at the ground as though you had never been sighted), stare at him/her. Hard. You've been smiling at this person for about seven months now. Sometimes you even offer a pleasantry – “hi, how are you?” Other times you give a brisk nod. Most times you smile. Even when you're, like, running late to something. So from now on, stare at them and make them fucking uncomfortable. Make them glad they're alive.
2. If anyone does a Number Two (feces, noble rocks, turds, shit, craplets, stinky donuts, whatever you like to call them) in the bathroom and then leaves the bathroom without washing his/her hands, report this person immediately to Human Resources and tell everyone for the next forty-eight hours to be on high alert and use sanitation wash whenever The Person Who Doesn't Wash after Shitting is within sight, and by within sight we mean if he/she has been spotted breathing and touching things in the building. Please be vigilant about re-applying the hand sanitizer until further notice, when we have removed this person from the premises.
3. Do not talk to the following people who impersonate celebrities on a daily basis, who probably have a bigger piece of the hobo pie and more panhandling experience and are not afraid to cut a bitch or a fellow hobo: Stevie Nicks, Elton John, Minuteman minus the musket, Frosted Lucky Charms, the Swiss Miss, the Colonel, and Howard Stern. Stay the hell away from these people.
4. Do not linger in the bathroom to hold long various conversations in foreign languages. We understand that you miss the motherland. Just don't reminisce about it in the can.
5. Do not use the microwave to warm up the following food items: mackerel, tuna, salmon, tuna melt sandwich, tuna casserole, tuna surprise, tuna burger, tuna grill, anchovy, fish souffle, fish tarts, fish casserole, fish sandwich, fish dish, fish everything. It smells like ass. Do not eat it at your desk, do not eat it before ten a.m., do not eat it at all, sam I am. If you fucking must, please do not microwave it.
We appreciate your cooperation and commitment to maintaining a pleasant workplace for all.
2. If anyone does a Number Two (feces, noble rocks, turds, shit, craplets, stinky donuts, whatever you like to call them) in the bathroom and then leaves the bathroom without washing his/her hands, report this person immediately to Human Resources and tell everyone for the next forty-eight hours to be on high alert and use sanitation wash whenever The Person Who Doesn't Wash after Shitting is within sight, and by within sight we mean if he/she has been spotted breathing and touching things in the building. Please be vigilant about re-applying the hand sanitizer until further notice, when we have removed this person from the premises.
3. Do not talk to the following people who impersonate celebrities on a daily basis, who probably have a bigger piece of the hobo pie and more panhandling experience and are not afraid to cut a bitch or a fellow hobo: Stevie Nicks, Elton John, Minuteman minus the musket, Frosted Lucky Charms, the Swiss Miss, the Colonel, and Howard Stern. Stay the hell away from these people.
4. Do not linger in the bathroom to hold long various conversations in foreign languages. We understand that you miss the motherland. Just don't reminisce about it in the can.
5. Do not use the microwave to warm up the following food items: mackerel, tuna, salmon, tuna melt sandwich, tuna casserole, tuna surprise, tuna burger, tuna grill, anchovy, fish souffle, fish tarts, fish casserole, fish sandwich, fish dish, fish everything. It smells like ass. Do not eat it at your desk, do not eat it before ten a.m., do not eat it at all, sam I am. If you fucking must, please do not microwave it.
We appreciate your cooperation and commitment to maintaining a pleasant workplace for all.
posted by hobos in space @ 1:29 PM
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