Why We Will Never Run a Marathon
In preparation for the actual event in November, today was the inaugural NYC half marathon, which prompted us to compile our own top ten list of reasons why not to run anything resembling a marathon, half, quarter, tenth.
10. We like to take our dumps in the bathrooms, not let loose all over our shorts and Sauconys. This is, curiously enough, the only place where it seems acceptable to paint oneself with one’s own stool, except for maybe the asylum.
9. Men in way too short French cut shorts. One false move and you’re gonna see Bangkok.
8. Our list of things to accomplish before we bite it does not include feats of extreme physical challenge but rather exotic destinations and dishes, and lots and lots of booze.
7. String quartets serenading the runners with arrangements of Broadway musicals, notably “New York, New York” as they cross the ten-mile mark.
6. It’s raining, and we all know what it’s like to run in the rain. So would you rather listen to Megadeth or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik?
5. Way too skinny women, who look as though a strong wind from the Hudson might crumple them to dust. And then you see the cellulite, which seems impossible.
4. The fact that there are so many rules involved in running a marathon. Like a strict food regimen. And consistent daily exercise. No cigarettes, no booze, no fun. Bland little protein bars and other pre-packaged foods that resemble varnished turds.
3. Annoying bystanders cheering you on. “Way to go! Only thirty-seven more miles to go!”
2. In all the time you’re spending in preparation and for the actual event, you could have been:
Disinfecting your toilet;
Paying your bills on time;
Drinking cognac and listening to opera;
Reading all the great American novels (and writing your own).
1. We feel a responsibility to our fellow citizens, and don’t like to see them waiting a half hour to cross the sidewalk, or see the traffic escalate to a state of emergency from all the roadblocks and crushed Styrofoam cups and Gatorade bottles littering the roads.
Plus, the marathon brings out our bitter side. We realize we have just alienated half our audience, but fuck you, marathon runners,
Love,
Cass and Tiresias
10. We like to take our dumps in the bathrooms, not let loose all over our shorts and Sauconys. This is, curiously enough, the only place where it seems acceptable to paint oneself with one’s own stool, except for maybe the asylum.
9. Men in way too short French cut shorts. One false move and you’re gonna see Bangkok.
8. Our list of things to accomplish before we bite it does not include feats of extreme physical challenge but rather exotic destinations and dishes, and lots and lots of booze.
7. String quartets serenading the runners with arrangements of Broadway musicals, notably “New York, New York” as they cross the ten-mile mark.
6. It’s raining, and we all know what it’s like to run in the rain. So would you rather listen to Megadeth or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik?
5. Way too skinny women, who look as though a strong wind from the Hudson might crumple them to dust. And then you see the cellulite, which seems impossible.
4. The fact that there are so many rules involved in running a marathon. Like a strict food regimen. And consistent daily exercise. No cigarettes, no booze, no fun. Bland little protein bars and other pre-packaged foods that resemble varnished turds.
3. Annoying bystanders cheering you on. “Way to go! Only thirty-seven more miles to go!”
2. In all the time you’re spending in preparation and for the actual event, you could have been:
Disinfecting your toilet;
Paying your bills on time;
Drinking cognac and listening to opera;
Reading all the great American novels (and writing your own).
1. We feel a responsibility to our fellow citizens, and don’t like to see them waiting a half hour to cross the sidewalk, or see the traffic escalate to a state of emergency from all the roadblocks and crushed Styrofoam cups and Gatorade bottles littering the roads.
Plus, the marathon brings out our bitter side. We realize we have just alienated half our audience, but fuck you, marathon runners,
Love,
Cass and Tiresias
posted by hobos in space @ 8:03 PM
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