Top ten reasons to remain a spinster
10. Spinsterhood doesn’t involve dragging your ass to Chinatown in search of a low-key middleground with yet-to-be-seen friend of a friend, of a friend of a friend, who has absolutely no common interests and washes his hands at least thirty-seven times a day.
9. Your mom always calls when she says she will.
8. Not having to admit to anyone out loud that you enjoy knitting, watching The Price Is Right, reading Us Weekly, and enacting Star Wars scenes in the woods with your dog.
7. Actually prefer the company of the dog (cat, rabbit, guinea pig, emu, insert random animal) to most humans.
6. When you get your credit card statement, you only have to explain to yourself exactly why you absolutely needed that four-hundred dollar jersey wrap dress (Diane von Furstenberg for life … and the afterlife, as Cass has decreed that she will be buried in this dress), those six-hundred dollar shoes that you wore exactly once before you skinned the leather off the right heel from a loose cobblestone, or the entire hardbound set of In Search of Lost Time, which you will never read, ever, and you ain't impressing anyone by having that shit on your bookshelves.
5. Who cares that your super has to clean out your apartment when you bite it and your sweet, devoted purebred Neapolitan bullmastiff snacks off your corpse for the next three weeks? It is better than inconveniencing a relative.
4. Books ARE your friends… and boyfriends, and girlfriends. All your friends.
3. The most loved CDs in your collection are Alanis Morissette, Ani DiFranco, Lucinda Williams, Tori Amos, Courtney Love, and Sleater-Kinney, and you do not have to apologize for this to anyone.
2. Your family craves drama, and you give it to them. At the family reunion, you can always hear whispered conversations in the periphery, always with the word “lesbian.”
1. When you get a yeast infection, you immediately know it’s only that and not syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, trich, or any other nasty thing you heard about in sex ed.
9. Your mom always calls when she says she will.
8. Not having to admit to anyone out loud that you enjoy knitting, watching The Price Is Right, reading Us Weekly, and enacting Star Wars scenes in the woods with your dog.
7. Actually prefer the company of the dog (cat, rabbit, guinea pig, emu, insert random animal) to most humans.
6. When you get your credit card statement, you only have to explain to yourself exactly why you absolutely needed that four-hundred dollar jersey wrap dress (Diane von Furstenberg for life … and the afterlife, as Cass has decreed that she will be buried in this dress), those six-hundred dollar shoes that you wore exactly once before you skinned the leather off the right heel from a loose cobblestone, or the entire hardbound set of In Search of Lost Time, which you will never read, ever, and you ain't impressing anyone by having that shit on your bookshelves.
5. Who cares that your super has to clean out your apartment when you bite it and your sweet, devoted purebred Neapolitan bullmastiff snacks off your corpse for the next three weeks? It is better than inconveniencing a relative.
4. Books ARE your friends… and boyfriends, and girlfriends. All your friends.
3. The most loved CDs in your collection are Alanis Morissette, Ani DiFranco, Lucinda Williams, Tori Amos, Courtney Love, and Sleater-Kinney, and you do not have to apologize for this to anyone.
2. Your family craves drama, and you give it to them. At the family reunion, you can always hear whispered conversations in the periphery, always with the word “lesbian.”
1. When you get a yeast infection, you immediately know it’s only that and not syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, trich, or any other nasty thing you heard about in sex ed.
posted by hobos in space @ 6:35 PM
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