Pube # 1: King of the Pubes
In terms of accolades, you can't get any more balder or transparent than that. In fact, bald and transparent sort of covers it. What, the boy is thirty, looks twelve, and cannot for the life of him grow a 'stache that allows him to rise up and graduate out of the wee-wee boys club. He remains forever a Mouseketeer with a milquetoast face and a sparsely haired nutsack for a head. His chin is covered in a fine spattering of fuzz, and his grin is earnest and skeevy, all at once. He looks like the kind of guy who charges sex on his American Express Black card, and indeed, that is the case, if you're a total snide reductionist like me, Tiresias.
Ladies and gentlemen ... uh, ladies (quite sure that our readership is mostly the former), I give you Justin Timberlake, otherwise known as The Pube. It's not like anyone will usurp his throne anytime soon. He'll be seventy and he'll just look like a sagging, wrinkly bagged hairy nutsack. His chin will just be covered in liver spots and his morning huevos rancheros, and the hair will be just a wee longer and more pube-like, because he thinks the length gives him a more magisterial gravitas.
We, Tiresias and Cass, don't get it.
He is NOT attractive. He is NOT talented. And his "racy" videos ("Cry Me a River" and the newest one "whatever the fuck it's called" featuring ScarJo) aren't sexy. They're creepy. He's clearly harboring some resentment against the women he's dated. Issues - perhaps he'll outgrow them? Doubtful.
REALLY, though -- what up peoples? What's wrong with Us Weekly? With popular culture? With WOMEN? What is the appeal of this guy? He's ugly. Don't we have actual real examples of men? Why aren't they getting jumped with the regularity of this guy? Or maybe those women with a bit of common sense who manage to express their affections and intentions to these stalwart models of masculinity actually exhibit a sense of class and decorum, and don't find a walking premature penis sexy in any way.
You know why you can't have sexy back, you whoreboy? You never had it to begin with.
Ladies and gentlemen ... uh, ladies (quite sure that our readership is mostly the former), I give you Justin Timberlake, otherwise known as The Pube. It's not like anyone will usurp his throne anytime soon. He'll be seventy and he'll just look like a sagging, wrinkly bagged hairy nutsack. His chin will just be covered in liver spots and his morning huevos rancheros, and the hair will be just a wee longer and more pube-like, because he thinks the length gives him a more magisterial gravitas.
We, Tiresias and Cass, don't get it.
He is NOT attractive. He is NOT talented. And his "racy" videos ("Cry Me a River" and the newest one "whatever the fuck it's called" featuring ScarJo) aren't sexy. They're creepy. He's clearly harboring some resentment against the women he's dated. Issues - perhaps he'll outgrow them? Doubtful.
REALLY, though -- what up peoples? What's wrong with Us Weekly? With popular culture? With WOMEN? What is the appeal of this guy? He's ugly. Don't we have actual real examples of men? Why aren't they getting jumped with the regularity of this guy? Or maybe those women with a bit of common sense who manage to express their affections and intentions to these stalwart models of masculinity actually exhibit a sense of class and decorum, and don't find a walking premature penis sexy in any way.
You know why you can't have sexy back, you whoreboy? You never had it to begin with.
posted by hobos in space @ 2:46 PM
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