Hobos in Space

Two west side hobos talking in a vacuum, thinking they're funny.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Gas-out

The last memorable temp at Hobos Inc, and I really hate to do this, but I can't be stopped, was this largish, lumpish boy with curly hair. He looked like the chubby offspring of a mad scientist. He wore old-style professorish blazers and, I swear, suspenders, tortoiseshell glasses, his pants were short by maybe half an inch or so, his hair boinged uncontrollably in all sorts of directions, and he was a little doughy. He scared me a little. He always had the same speaking volume, which was at high bray.

Our coworker thought he was a little autistic. He swooped into every little office party. It was amazing to watch him eat. I wouldn't want to be in the same hot dog eating contest with him. I only go up against people I think would hurl after three hot dogs, and these are not necessarily the skinniest people. But I think this kid would beat me for sure.

So anyway, one day a group of us were in the elevator after work, and at the very last second, even though the elevator was full, the boy got in. He takes up a lot of space, in many ways. As we made our descent, the car packed in a bit more, and he moved back. The car got really hot all of a sudden, and I felt the air change even before I smelled it. The kid let a really deep one rip, and suddenly the car was filled with butt gas. When I noticed the change in the air, pushed my hair in front of my face and started breathing in my scalp and didn't look up for fear of making eye contact with anyone.

The poor kid's got a flatulence problem. The next day, I walked by him while he was in the file cabinets alley, and right as I passed him, he passed along something, too. God, that sound. And it spurted out like it was some force of nature, like unstoppable and shit. It blared out like a muted trumpet. And I think Cass overheard him saying something about how the Imodium AD wasn't working.

He got moved around the office every few days until he'd been moved every which way and spread his essence to all corners. After everyone expressed an interest in not being gassed out while working, thank you very much, he ended his tenure there and I never saw him again.

I kind of miss him. No one complained about how I smell when he was around.